Let's take it back to October 2013. Well, really, before that, but we will start there! We officially became a waiting family and made it official by announcing on Facebook! I mean, how else do you make things official?
Now, realistically, I knew it could be a long wait...I mean, I've seen Dateline! That is what adoption is, right? Sign some paperwork, wait for a bit and then BOOM!, you get chosen and you get a baby! Easy Peasy! Ok, so I was wrong...very, very, wrong!
I grew up in small town Nebraska and my husband grew up in one of the two "big cities" Nebraska has. We are somewhat sheltered! My best friend growing up had a brother who was adopted at birth...but shhhh...you didn't talk about it! A couple years prior to us talking adoption, one of my best friends adopted a little girl. They worked with an agency, they got a call and a few months later they had a baby! I thought to myself, "well, this can't be that hard. That seems pretty easy!" WRONG again!
Let's talk in this post about how we went about adopting and finances. Google and my friend. That is it. My husband and I had just gotten married in July of 2013 and due to our age (we are old) we wanted to get this process started ASAP, knowing it could take years! I talked with my friend, she gave me the name of her agency, so I called. Turns out, not all agencies can work with couples in all states. All states have different laws. First problem with adoption! The agency I called was nice enough to refer me to another agency/facilitator.
There are several ways to pursue adoption. The main ones are foster-adopt, private adoption, Adoption Agency and Adoption Facilitator. Each one has there own cost and rules - more on that later. We chose a facilitator. Yes, they are the most expensive, but we THOUGHT we would be getting the best guidance as they have an attorney also assigned to you to make sure the legal pathway works for your state and the state of the birth family. We also liked the fact that this was one of the few agencies that offered a little financial protection for adoptive parents. I don't know about you, but we are not made of money and wanted to make sure some of our funds were protected. The upfront cost they gave us seemed manageable as did the expected cost. We were able to pay in three phases plus monthly for if/when a birth family needed financial help for living. Living expenses paid, you ask? Yes, living expenses paid. Now living expenses could be as little as needing a winter coat to full on ALL living expenses (i.e. rent, phone bill, electricity, gas, groceries, etc.). With our agency, were were able to tell them what we felt comfortable paying monthly for living expenses. Now, keep in mind, this is all new to us. We have not been around anyone who has adopted and we were trusting our agency. Note to self: don't trust your agency. Do your homework. Yes, a living expense is a very common thing to have to budget for when adopting. Second problem with adoption. If I can tell you one thing, it is keep track of your living expenses. Every. Single. Penny. Trust your gut and stick to your guns. Ok, so I told you three things. But they are important things! The cost of adoption is outrageous and it really doesn't have to be. We are paying these agencies/facilitators a HUGE amount of money to, in our case, do little work....I did A LOT of the work. Our first disappointment with our agency. And then paying, what we thought was unnecessary living expenses. The amount we agreed on ended up not really mattering to our agency. There was always a "crisis" for the birth mother and she "needed" money. At that point in your journey, you feel guilty for not handing over more money. You feel she will change her mind if you don't pay what she is asking. If the birth mother's defense, she is never the one asking for money, it is done through the agency.
So now I am going to give my opinion on what I think of living expenses and why. I think it is a bunch of crap. We have had five adoption opportunities...FIVE! We have adopted two children. Of those five, two did not ask for living expenses....the two we were blessed to call our children. Hmmmm, what do you think? The other three opportunities asked for living expenses and every week there was a crisis and we needed to give them more money. My feelings on this are this: NO! Just NO! Parenting is hard. Budgeting is hard. With my 2nd son, I worked at my job until noon the day he was born. You don't get to sit on the couch while someone pays your living expenses, in a nice apartment, might I add, and then decide to parent. What are you going to do after that baby is born when all money stops coming in? Of the three that failed, two never had intentions of making an adoption plan. It was a money making opportunity for them. They scammed us out of thousands of dollars and they will never get in trouble for it and will probably do it again when/if there is a future pregnancy. Now I am sure you are thinking, "well, you said you were financially protected from your agency?" Yes, we were. For agreed upon living expenses. Not for the "emergency" that may come up, not for the attorney we had to hire in their state for them, not for travel when we were told to go to the hospital. Thousands of dollars lost on thieves.
Now, don't get me wrong, there are agencies I would recommend and IF (we are not ever going to) we were to adopt again, we would use. I wish I knew four years ago what I know now. Things would be so much different.
We will touch more on this later. As you may have noticed, I am very passionate about this subject and really believe laws need to change. I believe I was put on this earth to make a difference in adoption and I believe we were put through so much so I could have some insight into the problems with adoption. I have always felt called to adoption in some way or another and I really couldn't put my finger on it until this year. I want to make adoption friendly, exciting and something any loving person, regardless as age, race, sexual preference, religion, etc. can do, affordably. And I want to make it so all States are equal. Is it possible? Who knows, but I am willing to try!
Now, realistically, I knew it could be a long wait...I mean, I've seen Dateline! That is what adoption is, right? Sign some paperwork, wait for a bit and then BOOM!, you get chosen and you get a baby! Easy Peasy! Ok, so I was wrong...very, very, wrong!
I grew up in small town Nebraska and my husband grew up in one of the two "big cities" Nebraska has. We are somewhat sheltered! My best friend growing up had a brother who was adopted at birth...but shhhh...you didn't talk about it! A couple years prior to us talking adoption, one of my best friends adopted a little girl. They worked with an agency, they got a call and a few months later they had a baby! I thought to myself, "well, this can't be that hard. That seems pretty easy!" WRONG again!
Let's talk in this post about how we went about adopting and finances. Google and my friend. That is it. My husband and I had just gotten married in July of 2013 and due to our age (we are old) we wanted to get this process started ASAP, knowing it could take years! I talked with my friend, she gave me the name of her agency, so I called. Turns out, not all agencies can work with couples in all states. All states have different laws. First problem with adoption! The agency I called was nice enough to refer me to another agency/facilitator.
There are several ways to pursue adoption. The main ones are foster-adopt, private adoption, Adoption Agency and Adoption Facilitator. Each one has there own cost and rules - more on that later. We chose a facilitator. Yes, they are the most expensive, but we THOUGHT we would be getting the best guidance as they have an attorney also assigned to you to make sure the legal pathway works for your state and the state of the birth family. We also liked the fact that this was one of the few agencies that offered a little financial protection for adoptive parents. I don't know about you, but we are not made of money and wanted to make sure some of our funds were protected. The upfront cost they gave us seemed manageable as did the expected cost. We were able to pay in three phases plus monthly for if/when a birth family needed financial help for living. Living expenses paid, you ask? Yes, living expenses paid. Now living expenses could be as little as needing a winter coat to full on ALL living expenses (i.e. rent, phone bill, electricity, gas, groceries, etc.). With our agency, were were able to tell them what we felt comfortable paying monthly for living expenses. Now, keep in mind, this is all new to us. We have not been around anyone who has adopted and we were trusting our agency. Note to self: don't trust your agency. Do your homework. Yes, a living expense is a very common thing to have to budget for when adopting. Second problem with adoption. If I can tell you one thing, it is keep track of your living expenses. Every. Single. Penny. Trust your gut and stick to your guns. Ok, so I told you three things. But they are important things! The cost of adoption is outrageous and it really doesn't have to be. We are paying these agencies/facilitators a HUGE amount of money to, in our case, do little work....I did A LOT of the work. Our first disappointment with our agency. And then paying, what we thought was unnecessary living expenses. The amount we agreed on ended up not really mattering to our agency. There was always a "crisis" for the birth mother and she "needed" money. At that point in your journey, you feel guilty for not handing over more money. You feel she will change her mind if you don't pay what she is asking. If the birth mother's defense, she is never the one asking for money, it is done through the agency.
So now I am going to give my opinion on what I think of living expenses and why. I think it is a bunch of crap. We have had five adoption opportunities...FIVE! We have adopted two children. Of those five, two did not ask for living expenses....the two we were blessed to call our children. Hmmmm, what do you think? The other three opportunities asked for living expenses and every week there was a crisis and we needed to give them more money. My feelings on this are this: NO! Just NO! Parenting is hard. Budgeting is hard. With my 2nd son, I worked at my job until noon the day he was born. You don't get to sit on the couch while someone pays your living expenses, in a nice apartment, might I add, and then decide to parent. What are you going to do after that baby is born when all money stops coming in? Of the three that failed, two never had intentions of making an adoption plan. It was a money making opportunity for them. They scammed us out of thousands of dollars and they will never get in trouble for it and will probably do it again when/if there is a future pregnancy. Now I am sure you are thinking, "well, you said you were financially protected from your agency?" Yes, we were. For agreed upon living expenses. Not for the "emergency" that may come up, not for the attorney we had to hire in their state for them, not for travel when we were told to go to the hospital. Thousands of dollars lost on thieves.
Now, don't get me wrong, there are agencies I would recommend and IF (we are not ever going to) we were to adopt again, we would use. I wish I knew four years ago what I know now. Things would be so much different.
We will touch more on this later. As you may have noticed, I am very passionate about this subject and really believe laws need to change. I believe I was put on this earth to make a difference in adoption and I believe we were put through so much so I could have some insight into the problems with adoption. I have always felt called to adoption in some way or another and I really couldn't put my finger on it until this year. I want to make adoption friendly, exciting and something any loving person, regardless as age, race, sexual preference, religion, etc. can do, affordably. And I want to make it so all States are equal. Is it possible? Who knows, but I am willing to try!
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